do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
