My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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