I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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