i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
