Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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