My sheets look like a crime scene.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
