You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
