I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
