I wish I could teleport
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
