I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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