I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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