help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
