I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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