I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
