my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
