You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Operation Purity has been aborted
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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