i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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