neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
