I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
