if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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