i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
