Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
