Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
