Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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