Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Randomize
