Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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