he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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