life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
