So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
