Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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