matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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