I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
