My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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