Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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