it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
