Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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