When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
