I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
