After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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