If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you told grandpa to call you daddy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize