what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize