How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
