soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
