how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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