plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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