if only i could text you this smell
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
