Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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