Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize