So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize