I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
