She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
