I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
