I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
