It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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