I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
