Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
