My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
