I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Are my feet made of real feet?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize