babies were throwing up all over the place
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
