Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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