I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
