Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
