remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
