Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
